Wednesday, January 2, 2008

typed you back

Not sure if you saw this. But, I wanted to make sure you did. I just feel really alone right now and need to tell you all this:
me: i get why this has taken energy.
i get why you are frustrated.
but i also had this amazingly open and therapeutic dinner with you recently
i felt like we got closer and understood each other more
that plane ride home was wild. i was both nervous and excited.
i was nervous because you had made plans with [him]
and i wasnt sure what you were going to do about that.
but i was excited because i felt like we really were in the present and looking ahead.
i felt like you had opened up to me
and that we could be together
when he picked you up, my head spun.
you were angry at me. and i was so confused.
i wasnt sure if i was supposed to be angry or dejected or what
i really was so confused.
so, i just acted out of love
i just wrote exactly what i was feeling
pretty toltec
and just explained that it would be hard for me to suddenly say "all in" after you rode off with him
but that i loved you very much and couldnt wait until your dates were over.
i think you saw that.
i know you did.
you wrote a direct line to my heart.
i got the feeling that just like when you kissed him, having him pick you up gave you a moment of clarity in which you realized we should be together.
you wrote the best stuff and i felt relaxed for the first time in months.
i felt like i could stop eating like an asshole
and that i could start tackling my online life.
building task lists and squaring shit away
i was high on the feeling
working out again.
just feeling full of life.
connected to you.
i was caught so offguard
i mean, i know why you type what you type.
i just didnt expect it
and even while you were saying it, i didnt want to take it as real
i understand where you are, i guess.
i wish it were very different.
i wish we were planning my next trip to see you or vice versa
i wish we were talking about b3 or your other jobs and planning finances.
i know you wont live here. but, i dont want to pick out another place without you helping me.
well, thanks at least for listening to all of this.
sorry to take energy from you.
i dont think it has to be like that.
i think i can be your best friend and your biggest supporter and your biggest help
i can be selfless with you.
i love when you feel good.
your laugh fuels me.
and i take so much pride in what you accomplish
i am and will be there during hard times.
i hate that you dont believe that.
i am a fiercely loyal person
all right, i need to clean my house. trying to start this year with some good empty space.
you are amazing.
the void in my life is so very palpable.

i love you,

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