me: i get why this has taken energy.i get why you are frustrated.but i also had this amazingly open and therapeutic dinner with you recentlyi felt like we got closer and understood each other morethat plane ride home was wild. i was both nervous and excited.i was nervous because you had made plans with [him]and i wasnt sure what you were going to do about that.but i was excited because i felt like we really were in the present and looking ahead.i felt like you had opened up to meand that we could be togetherwhen he picked you up, my head spun.you were angry at me. and i was so confused.i wasnt sure if i was supposed to be angry or dejected or whati really was so confused.so, i just acted out of lovei just wrote exactly what i was feelingpretty toltecand just explained that it would be hard for me to suddenly say "all in" after you rode off with himbut that i loved you very much and couldnt wait until your dates were over.i think you saw that.i know you did.you wrote a direct line to my heart.i got the feeling that just like when you kissed him, having him pick you up gave you a moment of clarity in which you realized we should be together.you wrote the best stuff and i felt relaxed for the first time in months.i felt like i could stop eating like an assholeand that i could start tackling my online life.building task lists and squaring shit awayi was high on the feelingworking out again.just feeling full of life.connected to you.i was caught so offguardi mean, i know why you type what you type.i just didnt expect itand even while you were saying it, i didnt want to take it as reali understand where you are, i guess.i wish it were very different.i wish we were planning my next trip to see you or vice versai wish we were talking about b3 or your other jobs and planning finances.i know you wont live here. but, i dont want to pick out another place without you helping me.well, thanks at least for listening to all of this.sorry to take energy from you.i dont think it has to be like that.i think i can be your best friend and your biggest supporter and your biggest helpi can be selfless with you.i love when you feel good.your laugh fuels me.and i take so much pride in what you accomplishi am and will be there during hard times.i hate that you dont believe that.i am a fiercely loyal personall right, i need to clean my house. trying to start this year with some good empty space.you are amazing.
the void in my life is so very palpable.
i love you,
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
typed you back
Not sure if you saw this. But, I wanted to make sure you did. I just feel really alone right now and need to tell you all this: